Alternate State Of Mind

I'm not a professional writer so bare with me here :)

I wonder why I’m even writing this. Maybe it’s because I feel that there’s so much to say but I can’t seem to find anybody to say it to. They will either think I’m mad or just plain weird I guess. I have even started to think that I have a mental problem but on the other hand people with mental problems don’t really refer to themselves as mental. I then started to get the idea that maybe I have some form of a split personality but after looking at the symptoms I realized that this was something else altogether.

I personally call it the alternate state of mind or even better, the “Twilight Zone”. It’s like my mind is stuck on a previous timeline in my life and no matter what I do, I just can’t get it out of my head. It’s like everything I do revolves around this time in my life. Now you might think what on earth is so bad about hanging onto some memories of the past. The problem comes in when it starts controlling the present and the future. I actually don’t see a future, when I look forward I’m actually looking behind me. This kind of scares me in a way that future planning becomes quite difficult and the fact that I actually loose some good things along the way due to me being fixated on the past.

So what is this so called past I keep referring to? Honestly I don’t really know myself. All I can tell you is that it was a happy and wonderful time and that I was young. Well I’m only 23 years old now so young might be a bit far fetched but you get the general idea. I’ve just noticed that I’m actually writing this in a third person perspective, like someone else is supposed to read this. Maybe that someone else is my alternate state of mind?

Nothing I do really fits in to place these days. It feels like I died a few years ago but my body still continues to live. I do as much as I can to keep myself happy. I buy stuff, play games, watch movies and even design websites. To top it off I also met someone who will provide me with all the love I could ever dream of. Even if I win a million bucks I still won’t be fully happy. Emotionally I’m actually tired of trying to cheer myself up. Now by reading the above you might think that the problem I have is depression.

All I can say is that you’re wrong... it’s something else.